i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
