My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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