turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
