Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
