Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
