i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
