I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
