I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
