my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I take back everything I said about communal showers
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
