I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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