Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I just blew my weed a kiss
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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