did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
