Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
