So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
