I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
