I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
