Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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