Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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