my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
