I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
