I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
