based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
