my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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