the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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