I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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