mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
