If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
