This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
