things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
