You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
