On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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