i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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