She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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