i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I supernannyed him into submission
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
