I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
