He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
