Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
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