Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
