This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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