The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
