Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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