she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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