Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
