fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
