Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
