I smell stomach acid.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
