You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
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