even my farts smell like vagina
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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