you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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