It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
